I want to get a posting out today since it has been over two weeks since my last blog but I am at a standstill.
I am on call this week and it went very well until tonight. I received my first call of the week. This is unusual since historically I get very few calls on week nights. One to two calls on the weekend is typical and it is not uncommon to get no calls at all during the week.
I had planned to walk with a friend of mine tonight and was looking forward to it when the call came in. I had walked down to watch him fly his remote control plane for a few minutes before we took off on our walk when the pager woke me from my dream of call Utopia. Yes it is almost like not being on call when no calls come in and I often times forget that I am on call and am quite unsettled when the pager goes off…"What's that noise?"
All that to say my night did not turn out as planned. So here I am sitting at my kitchen table in a rather relaxed mood.
I enjoy these times of tranquil meditation, as my thoughts pass along in no real direction and I am neither depressed nor overly joyful…just at peace.
These are the times I relish putting my thoughts down on "paper".
There is not a lot of chaos and the Lord just seems to lay a peace that passes understanding on my mind.
This seems to be "one of those years". Some of you have bad days, some bad weeks, I seem to be having a bad year and that is exactly how I had been categorizing it too. You would not want to get me into a wrestling ring right now and here is why: Because of all that has happened this year I have been doing a lot of wrestling in prayer with the Lord. And through these times the Lord has brought me to understand that the times should not be looked on as "bad" but as times to let go of more of this world and look back at what God has done in my life through these times of testing. It has been a real epiphany for me and I know all this but I was not grounded in it, I had worked very hard all my life to avoid these very situations and the kicker is that if I would have given in sooner I would not have had to suffer so much. Suffering is not always bad.
One area that has grown is my desire for the lost. I will not say I am passionate about the lost but I have more and more of a heart for them and my prayer life is reflecting that concern. I am actively asking for open doors to share the gospel, I am trying to be more purposeful in my dealings with people and I have been asking God to fill me with His Spirit (take control of my life) and with the love and compassion He has for those who do not know Him. I am actually excited about this!
If you find that the mistakes of your past are catching up to you or have steam rolled you do what I have done—Turn it over to God. Yes it is most likely you will have to pay for the mistakes you made such as being stupid with finances or dealing with an unwanted pregnancy, etc. but God does not turn away from us even when we turn away from Him. Confess your sins to Him and give over to Him the problems in prayer. He will forgive you and you will find a peace that you can't understand, can't figure out how you can be at peace when things are so dark. It is God! He loves us and sometimes lets us suffer the consequences of our choices to help us realize that His ways are the best ways.
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